Bad moment. not a bad mom.
“I thought you were a good therapist. Not a bad mom.”
Those are the words my twelve-year-old threw my way after I completely and utterly lost my mind over a basket of laundry that had been sitting there for days, after I’d asked for it to be put away numerous times throughout the week.
My response?
“Shut. The. F***. Up.”
And then the shame wall hit me.
I’m a bad mom.
I’m a horrible therapist.
What kind of a person says that to a child?
They will never forget this.
They will never forgive me.
I am the worst parent in the world.
But here’s the truth: it was never about the laundry.
Minutes earlier, I had been in an argument with my husband and we had a misunderstanding. Miscommunication, really. Nothing monumental. And yet it completely dysregulated my nervous system. Instead of staying in the discomfort and working through it together, I fled straight into the hallway. Straight into the visual reminder of a laundry basket that had been sitting there for days.
I kicked it.
I screamed.
I demanded the laundry be put away… RIGHT. NOW.
My child, blindsided, fired back with the line that pierced straight through me.
In that moment, my inner child, my wife part, and my mom part were all activated. And once the adrenaline faded, I was left sitting in shame.
I went to the basement to hide. To cry. To berate myself for the emotional harm I believed I had just inflicted.
And after I cried… after I sat in the shame… something beautiful happened.
The compassionate parts of me — my allies, my guides — began to surface. They reminded me:
You are human.
You are imperfect.
You will not get every parenting moment right.
Not even close.
I had a choice: I could stay in shame for the remainder of the day, which honestly felt valid, AND I could also take accountability in order to repair. (I say AND because it doesn’t have to be either I choose to sit in the shame or I choose repair. I can choose both. Allowing myself to feel the shame because shame is often how we learn to change our behavior AND I can also choose repair because I value the relationship with my child.)
Right then, my husband came downstairs. Almost as if he sensed I was at my lowest. He hugged me. He apologized. I apologized. I told him how deeply I feared being a bad mom and screwing our kids up for the rest of their lives.
He reminded me that I am mostly a good mom, just like he’s mostly a good dad. That the most important thing now was repair. He reminded me how loved I am. By him, by our kids, by others.
And in my heart of hearts, I know that’s true.
So I asked my child if they were open to a repair.
That act of accountability alone meant something. I could see it. They welcomed me back into their space. We talked about displaced anger. I told them what I said was not okay. I apologized for using language that never should have been directed at them.
And then my wise-beyond-their-years twelve-year-old said:
“Mom, you’re doing your best. You’re allowed to have bad moments. That doesn’t make you a bad mom.”
Just like that, I knew we were going to be okay.
Their forgiveness does not excuse my behavior. But their compassion for my imperfection means everything.
Dr. Laura Markham shares in Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids that parents only need to get it right 40% of the time.
Forty percent?! Seriously?!
And the key to the other 60%? Repair.
Do-overs. Re-tries. Accountability. Reconnection.
Dr. Becky Kennedy of the Good Inside book and podcast reminds us that no child is bad. And I’m here to remind you:
No parent is bad either.
We have bad moments. We get dysregulated. We react instead of respond. We are flawed. And most of us are doing the very best we can with the tools and nervous systems we have in that moment.
For the parents (or the child) this resonates with: I see you. I am with you.
And if you’d like support learning how to regulate your nervous system, repair after rupture, and parent from a more grounded place, I offer a free 15-minute consultation to see if we’re a good fit.
You don’t have to do this alone.
📞 (303) 847-5224
📧 wildstrengththerapy@gmail.com